"It wasn't supposed to be like this." How many times I have thought this over my life and how many more times will it echo beyond that first time? It seems that I have only scratched the surface of my understanding of loss.
For those of you concerned about me mourning the loss of my mother 6 years ago, I want you to know what I've learned.
God has healed my heart but a scar remains. It reminds me of what I've lost and while it hurts to remember how I got the scar, I have learned to be thankful for the understanding and increased compassion it has given me for those who grieve. It is a terrible club to claim membership in but there you find the people who can relate to and support you the best in your suffering. God has made me for such a purpose, I know. I've seen Him transform me over and over again in difficult situations.
I've also found that I have the easiest time talking to someone who has lost a person of the same relationship as I had (in my case, it is a parent, and specifically my mother). A friend, who I didn't know until a year later, lost her father at almost the same time as I lost my mother. We both were in our first year of teaching when we experienced our losses. Because it was a parent she lost, and because she had to endure the same sort of transition period as I, I find it much easier to talk to her without breaking down into a puddle than I do those who knew my mother in any other capacity. I do not mean offense by not talking with those people but it is more difficult than I can manage sometimes still.
I won't even pretend to understand what my family members are going through right now. While I have experience with grief that is relatable to a lot of grieving people, I have never been in this situation before so I honestly don't know what it is like. I'm not going to spout off something about a relative that had a tough time for a while but then a happy ending and say that I know what it's like. I don't. I DON'T. And even if I had the exact same experience, it would affect me differently because I am a different person with a different background and different experiences that shade and color future experiences. I have a different temperament and demeanor and attitude. I have a different relationship with the deceased than other people would have with that same person.
The best thing we can do for each other in times of grief are to offer prayers and love and support. Instead of saying, "Let me know if we can do anything," just do what you feel called to do (so long as it is bringing a meal or sending a card and that sort of thing; as I mentioned before, don't bring up personal stories or say "they're in a better place;" it's just very painful to hear, even if you had the best of intentions. Listen to what those who are closest to the lost person are needing. If it is space, give them space. If it is time to process, don't rush them. Try to be especially sensitive during that first year because that is when the pain hits the hardest- holidays, family celebrations, birthdays, Mother's and Father's day, etc.
I leave you with this: In my experience, it doesn't get better; nothing will make the situation better. You can't put a band aid over this. It does, however, ease up, bit by bit, over time.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Tales of a 3rd Grade Struggling Reader
As a human being, I have always known the joys of reading. As a teacher, I have seen how very important it is to foster that joy from an early age. It saddens me deeply when I see a high school student, many of them who are 18, who skip over a word, often a simple, everyday one, because they lack the confidence to try sounding it out. It worries me when a kiddo tells me that they hate reading. Reading is a vital part of life - whether for business, pleasure, or mere survival.
Last night, I spent some time (family time) with a little girl my in-laws' have taken in. She is in third grade but old enough to be in fourth. She told me this at Christmas but last night I asked her why. It was because she didn't know how to read at the end of 1st grade.
I started reading books on my own, by myself when I was four. Sometimes it is difficult for me to comprehend how people don't know how to read by the end of the first few years of school. And then I'm reminded that my mother was a teacher and my father was an accountant and that reading was something we often did TOGETHER.
That's the most important part. Reading together.
Knowing that all three kids are behind in reading inspired me to find books they'd enjoy and give them as Christmas gifts. When I was over there yesterday, I found the set of books I bought for the kindergartener (Amelia Bedelia), sitting in their box (which I'm fine with) at the top of their closet. They were completely out of reach. The 3rd grader didn't know where hers was so I set out to look. I found it stuffed in a stocking which was stuffed in a drawer. Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing by Judy Blume.
I pulled it out and made her a deal. I would read the first chapter to her before dinner and then we'd come back and she'd read the second chapter to me.
She found the book interesting when I read the first chapter but I could tell it wasn't her favorite book yet. The first chapter just introduces Peter Hatcher, our narrator, and his family members. It also sets up a little bit of the second chapter. It's good, but the next chapter is much better.
Unfortunately, as we found out, it is also longer. MUCH longer. So I cut her a break. I told her that I would read after she reached a certain point (I skipped ahead a little and found a good place). I also made sure to compliment her for things she was doing well as she read. "I really like how hard you try to figure out how to pronounce unfamiliar words. That's important." "You do a great job of doing the voices of the different characters - that's what good readers do when they read!" (This one caused her to go back and try a passage again, this time using more of a baby voice for the 2 year old). And when Mr. V came to the office to find out what we were up to, I asked her if she'd like to show him what a good reader she is. Mr. V was VERY impressed and told her she was reading like a champ. She was! All of this feedback was so important for her.
She also giggled and giggled throughout the chapter as Fudge got into all sorts of crazy situations. She thought it was hilarious when he ate the flowers. She liked that part so much that she wanted to re-read the chapter to my mother-in-law so that "Grandma" would have a chance to "laugh her head off." LOVE IT!
Later on, when her brother was passed out on the couch and her sister was self-tucked into her bed (we accidentally woke her up for a moment when we were looking for the book - oops! We didn't know she was there!), "Grandma" told her it was time to go to bed herself.
She protested, as most 10 year olds would when there are 9 other people still awake and having fun, but she went only to emerge a few minutes later asking for a flashlight. What did she need a flashlight for? Reading! She wanted to finish her book!
Mission: Accomplished!
Tips for helping your kids enjoy reading:
1. Find a quiet space away from everyone else.
2. Read the first chapter to your kid, holding the book where she can see the words.
3. Have her start to read the next chapter to you. If it's short or she wants to, have her read the entire chapter.
4. Have a small book shelf in the bedroom so books are easily accessible, even if you aren't.
5. When your kid is reading her book, read your own. Modeling reading is a great way to show them that adults like to read, too.
6. Find out what your kid likes. I discovered that this girl loves science. She spent a bunch of time telling me things I didn't know about Neptune. I might find a book that revolves around science a bit more next time I get her a book.
7. Buy a book light. I had one that clipped onto my book and had a clock. I'm sure they have better models available now. My parents were okay with me reading in my room until I got sleepy or they went to bed themselves as long as the light was out.
8. When you read with your kid, praise them for what they're doing well and encourage them to keep trying.
9. When the opportunity arises, ask your kids to look for context clues. "What is happening around this word that might help you understand what this word is?" She came up with "take it for stomach pain" to help her decipher "medicine."
10. Celebrate reading. We gave high-fives and I made sure to let other people know she was doing great.
Last night, I spent some time (family time) with a little girl my in-laws' have taken in. She is in third grade but old enough to be in fourth. She told me this at Christmas but last night I asked her why. It was because she didn't know how to read at the end of 1st grade.
I started reading books on my own, by myself when I was four. Sometimes it is difficult for me to comprehend how people don't know how to read by the end of the first few years of school. And then I'm reminded that my mother was a teacher and my father was an accountant and that reading was something we often did TOGETHER.
That's the most important part. Reading together.
Knowing that all three kids are behind in reading inspired me to find books they'd enjoy and give them as Christmas gifts. When I was over there yesterday, I found the set of books I bought for the kindergartener (Amelia Bedelia), sitting in their box (which I'm fine with) at the top of their closet. They were completely out of reach. The 3rd grader didn't know where hers was so I set out to look. I found it stuffed in a stocking which was stuffed in a drawer. Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing by Judy Blume.
I pulled it out and made her a deal. I would read the first chapter to her before dinner and then we'd come back and she'd read the second chapter to me.
She found the book interesting when I read the first chapter but I could tell it wasn't her favorite book yet. The first chapter just introduces Peter Hatcher, our narrator, and his family members. It also sets up a little bit of the second chapter. It's good, but the next chapter is much better.
Unfortunately, as we found out, it is also longer. MUCH longer. So I cut her a break. I told her that I would read after she reached a certain point (I skipped ahead a little and found a good place). I also made sure to compliment her for things she was doing well as she read. "I really like how hard you try to figure out how to pronounce unfamiliar words. That's important." "You do a great job of doing the voices of the different characters - that's what good readers do when they read!" (This one caused her to go back and try a passage again, this time using more of a baby voice for the 2 year old). And when Mr. V came to the office to find out what we were up to, I asked her if she'd like to show him what a good reader she is. Mr. V was VERY impressed and told her she was reading like a champ. She was! All of this feedback was so important for her.
She also giggled and giggled throughout the chapter as Fudge got into all sorts of crazy situations. She thought it was hilarious when he ate the flowers. She liked that part so much that she wanted to re-read the chapter to my mother-in-law so that "Grandma" would have a chance to "laugh her head off." LOVE IT!
Later on, when her brother was passed out on the couch and her sister was self-tucked into her bed (we accidentally woke her up for a moment when we were looking for the book - oops! We didn't know she was there!), "Grandma" told her it was time to go to bed herself.
She protested, as most 10 year olds would when there are 9 other people still awake and having fun, but she went only to emerge a few minutes later asking for a flashlight. What did she need a flashlight for? Reading! She wanted to finish her book!
Mission: Accomplished!
Tips for helping your kids enjoy reading:
1. Find a quiet space away from everyone else.
2. Read the first chapter to your kid, holding the book where she can see the words.
3. Have her start to read the next chapter to you. If it's short or she wants to, have her read the entire chapter.
4. Have a small book shelf in the bedroom so books are easily accessible, even if you aren't.
5. When your kid is reading her book, read your own. Modeling reading is a great way to show them that adults like to read, too.
6. Find out what your kid likes. I discovered that this girl loves science. She spent a bunch of time telling me things I didn't know about Neptune. I might find a book that revolves around science a bit more next time I get her a book.
7. Buy a book light. I had one that clipped onto my book and had a clock. I'm sure they have better models available now. My parents were okay with me reading in my room until I got sleepy or they went to bed themselves as long as the light was out.
8. When you read with your kid, praise them for what they're doing well and encourage them to keep trying.
9. When the opportunity arises, ask your kids to look for context clues. "What is happening around this word that might help you understand what this word is?" She came up with "take it for stomach pain" to help her decipher "medicine."
10. Celebrate reading. We gave high-fives and I made sure to let other people know she was doing great.
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