Dear friends and readers,
Christmas is upon us and in just a few short hours or days, we will be surrounded by loved ones whom we haven't seen since last week, month, or year. For those of us who are married, it is already a fantastic juggling act with hoops set ablaze that we must jump through as we navigate the delicate waters of spending time with our families (all of them) and our friends without excluding or alienating any of them. It's as exhausting as it is joyous (and for some, all the more).
But it's also a time of trepidation for those of us who are childless. Friends, I cannot tell you how many people, on a nearly daily basis, ask me when Mr. V and I are planning on having children. For most people, "not yet" is sufficient. For my students, it is often a jumping off point for more commentary on how they'd like to see me with a baby bump before they graduate or how they'd like me to wait another year so that they aren't in my class anymore because pregnant women are moody (ironic that hormonal teenagers complain about moodiness, isn't it?) and they're absent for doctor's appointments and that means substitutes. They really don't like substitutes.
At Thanksgiving, I was asked by no fewer than 5 different people (relatives and friends) if we're planning for any additions. This is after I had two dear friends confess their heartache - they'd both suffered miscarriages earlier this year. Talk about a tear jerker! It was so hard to hear them tell their tales because my heart aches for them and for the friend who is childless, not by choice, but because she and her husband are struggling to conceive.
It also brought up some words from early Autumn which stung me as they were uttered one by one. A girl, a total stranger, asked me (in front of my mother-in-law, no less) if we were planning on Baby V anytime soon. When I said, "no, we're not," she asked me "Oh, are you still young?" I laughed off her rude question but I felt those words all the more as I approached my birthday this year and every time I got on the scale since then. See, I'm underweight and that, in addition to each passing year, makes it more difficult to conceive.
I KNOW that my friends who are having trouble conceiving or have had trouble carrying to term don't need the question either. Our reproductive health is the business of the woman and her husband. I don't really care how many of you want to babysit, to pinch little cheeks, to have grandchildren. If you're not married to the woman in question, then it simply isn't any of your business. You are hurting more than you're helping, even though you may have had no intention of causing harm.
Please consider sparing a woman of this particular pain this Christmas. Let her enjoy the moments she has away from wondering if she'll ever have a baby of her own. For a woman who wants kids, the sight of children opening toys on Christmas day is enough of a reminder of her ticking biological clock.
Thank you for understanding!
Mrs. V
Well said!
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