"It wasn't supposed to be like this." How many times I have thought this over my life and how many more times will it echo beyond that first time? It seems that I have only scratched the surface of my understanding of loss.
For those of you concerned about me mourning the loss of my mother 6 years ago, I want you to know what I've learned.
God has healed my heart but a scar remains. It reminds me of what I've lost and while it hurts to remember how I got the scar, I have learned to be thankful for the understanding and increased compassion it has given me for those who grieve. It is a terrible club to claim membership in but there you find the people who can relate to and support you the best in your suffering. God has made me for such a purpose, I know. I've seen Him transform me over and over again in difficult situations.
I've also found that I have the easiest time talking to someone who has lost a person of the same relationship as I had (in my case, it is a parent, and specifically my mother). A friend, who I didn't know until a year later, lost her father at almost the same time as I lost my mother. We both were in our first year of teaching when we experienced our losses. Because it was a parent she lost, and because she had to endure the same sort of transition period as I, I find it much easier to talk to her without breaking down into a puddle than I do those who knew my mother in any other capacity. I do not mean offense by not talking with those people but it is more difficult than I can manage sometimes still.
I won't even pretend to understand what my family members are going through right now. While I have experience with grief that is relatable to a lot of grieving people, I have never been in this situation before so I honestly don't know what it is like. I'm not going to spout off something about a relative that had a tough time for a while but then a happy ending and say that I know what it's like. I don't. I DON'T. And even if I had the exact same experience, it would affect me differently because I am a different person with a different background and different experiences that shade and color future experiences. I have a different temperament and demeanor and attitude. I have a different relationship with the deceased than other people would have with that same person.
The best thing we can do for each other in times of grief are to offer prayers and love and support. Instead of saying, "Let me know if we can do anything," just do what you feel called to do (so long as it is bringing a meal or sending a card and that sort of thing; as I mentioned before, don't bring up personal stories or say "they're in a better place;" it's just very painful to hear, even if you had the best of intentions. Listen to what those who are closest to the lost person are needing. If it is space, give them space. If it is time to process, don't rush them. Try to be especially sensitive during that first year because that is when the pain hits the hardest- holidays, family celebrations, birthdays, Mother's and Father's day, etc.
I leave you with this: In my experience, it doesn't get better; nothing will make the situation better. You can't put a band aid over this. It does, however, ease up, bit by bit, over time.
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