'Til death do us part - or maybe just until I don't like the arrangement anymore

Today, a student made a comment about how it's sad that nobody stays together anymore (this was random and unsolicited) so I told her "I'm staying married."

The kids countered, "You don't know that."

So I said, "Yes, I do. I'm staying married."

As the first girl was about to speak again, another spoke up in my defense but all she said was that she's seen us together and we're inseparable so of course we’re staying married.* I quickly changed the topic and moved on with class.  

 I had forgotten it until I got home tonight and logged into Facebook. I saw that a dear former student wrote something about tattoos. Get your father’s or son’s name tattooed on you. These guys will stay, she argued. She doesn’t think girls should tattoo their boyfriend’s name on them. This didn’t surprise me at all since it has been bantered about by my students throughout the years that if you get a tattoo of your significant other, you are destined to break up. And heck, I support that sentiment. What shocked me (and then only for a minute) was that she lumped husbands in there with the boyfriends! “- they come and go.”

It all has me thinking: What do kids think about marriage in the first place these days? That you just marry somebody and maybe you like them, maybe you don't? At least you get a heck of a party out of the deal? Maybe some kids?

Unfortunately, so many kids are the product of a marriage that ended poorly. Just a thought, though: People talk about a broken marriage but it is rare that they acknowledge that the marriage wasn’t what was broken but rather the two people in it. 

The best predictor of whether or not a couple will stay married is each individual's attitude toward marriage. If you go into it thinking, "If it doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce," you're probably going to end up divorced because marriage is tough. But go into it with the idea that you're going to stick it out no matter what and you’ve got a fighting chance in a world that wants you to believe that options are better than commitment. My husband and I don’t always agree and marriage isn’t always butterflies and picnics by the lake. It is a daily choice to love one another through our sins (because nobody is perfect) and still stand side by side. 

I hope my kiddos will see that and I hope they'll come to understand that marriages don't have to end if you don't want them to. It's the only way we'll start reversing the current trend. 

Mrs. V

*NOTE: We do NOT kiss and hug in front of the kids but we DO try to be a good couple role model for them because a lot of them have only seen their parents’ marriage and that didn’t work out so that is all they have seen.

**If you are being abused or feel your life is in danger, please seek help. It is NEVER okay for someone to damage anyone else.

Want to play matchmaker on Valentine's Day? Read this first.

When are you going to settle down? Any special someone on the horizon? Don’t you want to be married?

These are the questions that rattle the cages of single people everywhere. And inside those cages are cringing, trembling, crying, and enraged people who don’t think it is any of your business whether they are single or not. And they don't want to explain why, either.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about married people being pressured to have kids and the response was incredible. I received so many messages about how this spoke to individuals and couples who are waiting to have kids either by their own choice or circumstances beyond their control or understanding. I also received a message, one that resonated with me and, months later, is still on my mind. “What about the single people?”

Like those of us who are married and childless, singletons are single by choice – theirs or someone else’s. It isn’t always in their control. The heart wants what the heart wants but, in the case of love, the desire that burns in many hearts is often not satiated. And while many singles want you and me and everyone else to know it, they won’t but in the closest of friendships reveal it to anyone. 

It is hard to feel rejected by most anyone anytime at our lives but it is especially painstaking to have people rub the ultimate (intentional or unwitting) rejection in the faces of those who are single.  Because that is what it feels like. In a culture obsessed with hearts and roses, saturated with sexy images and suggestive scenes, singletons are stuck on the thought that, “nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. I go unloved.” And never is it more painful than during the colder months when families gather to share holiday meals, champagne is raised and kisses are bestowed as midnight strikes, and aisles fill up with chocolate in red boxes shaped like hearts.

I’m not sure but at the very least, men seem to feel relieved when faced with no Valentine’s Day date. The pressure is off! But there is more than one lonely girl out there as evidenced by restaurant tables filled with giggles and girl-talk. The sheer number of Anti-Valentine’s Day parties that pop up around this time year after year is proof of the pain that this, the last in a string of lovey-coupley parties, inflicts.

From someone on the other side, I have something to say to you. Marriage is not always kisses and hugs and someone to pass you the potatoes. It is hard work, something that the rise in divorce rates should tell you.  It takes years to get to the point of having that happily ever after we read about. And, as a friend pointed out just last night, conflict with each other is something we will face until the moment we take our last breath.

A relationship is made up of two people who were raised by different sets of parents, had different sibling experiences, and have had life encounters that have shaped each person’s view of the way the world works. A marriage should not be forced and bully tactics have got to stop. While well intentioned in many cases, I believe it can be detrimental to your single loved one finding someone with whom they are truly compatible.

As expected as marriage may be, divorce expectations have risen in the minds of people, even as they are pledging to love, honor, and cherish until by death they are separated. Are we helping or hurting this trend with our pressure?

Please ease up on the questioning. Your single friends are literally begging you (through me). Singletons are painfully aware of their relationship status. The fact that you’ve noticed, too, is just one more dart aimed at the heart and broken hearts are in no shape to take care in finding real love.

A lost, forgetful, and blessed morning. Who would have thought it?

This morning, my husband (who left the house early) called to tell me that it was raining so I grabbed my rain boots and shoes and put them in the living room until I could get dressed. I threw my shoes into my purse, placed a bag of cookies for a friend on top and realized I couldn't find my phone. I delicately removed the cookies and then my shoes to see if the phone was in my purse. It wasn't. I put the cookies back in my purse and shuffled about trying to find it.

When I found it (so close to my purse I could just scream), I grabbed it and ran out of the door where I got into my car, which I haven't driven in months, and discovered that not only is my inspection up this month but also, I was sitting on E. I prayed for the ability to make it to school on what I had left in the tank. Well, what I didn't count on was getting lost on my way to school. Just about the time I realized that I had gone the wrong way and had a "gosh, I hope I can figure this out from here" thought, I also realized that my shoes were on the floor next to the couch and I would be wearing my rain boots all day long.

When I got to the turnpike, I thought "I'm saved! I can turn right and all is well with the world!" but it wasn't. I ended up at the Target near my house. 20 minutes of driving, a gas gauge on E, and I'm back at the Target in my neighborhood. I hopped onto the turnpike access road and made a U-turn. Let me make a confession to you: I've run out of gas before. Twice. On different highways. This would be my third run-out-of-gas-as-cars-whip-past-you-so-fast-you-can't-think-straight experience but it would be the first time it happened - when? You guessed it! When it was raining.

So I've already called people to let them know I'll be late because I've made an idiot mistake in my neighborhood and I've called my husband who, for a moment, thought I was by the Target across from the Wal-Mart which is really, really close to the school and actually in the neighborhood we lived in before we moved into our house. He must have been quite distracted because surely that wasn't a panic-inducing incident. And since I've called everyone else, I call out to God and ask him this time to just let me make it to a gas station because I've already pushed my luck with the getting to work idea. I know this.

I keep chanting "God will provide! God will provide! God will provide!" And you know what? He did. I made it to the gas station just in time. Of course, it wasn't without incident because that's just the kind of day I was having. Thankfully it was just that the first pump was shut off and I eeeked my poor neglected car around to the next one. (Remind me sometime to tell you about the time I got gas all over my pants on my way to Austin.)

So I roll into the parking lot at work, gassed up enough to make it to work, the after work meeting, and my house again later, and I am thankful to God for bringing me there safely, albeit late.

But the story isn't over. As crazy as my morning was, as inexplicable as it is that I somehow made a big loop in my neighborhood (I still need to check out a map) and wound up late, as awesome as it is that I made it to a gas station before my car went kaput, it gets better.

I believe that God has us where we are for a reason. Sometimes the reason is hard to find. Sometimes, it is smack dab in front of our faces. Well, like I said, it was raining this morning. I hurried to the door as it was closing but a girl opened it wider for me. There was another girl whom she was helping into the building. This girl uses special crutches on a daily basis every day of her life. Today, they couldn't gain traction for anything because of all of the water and the girl fell right in front of me. The helper girl and I hoisted her up onto her crutches again and walked a little bit further with her. She fell again. This time she hurt herself. The helper girl looked helpless and I had to act fast. I didn't want the girl to stand up again because she just kept falling down. I asked Helper Girl to stay with her and I went to get the nurse to bring her a wheelchair.

If I hadn't been there, it is possible that the helper girl would have gone to do the same thing but then the crutched girl would have to sit there, hurting, all alone.

I know that some of you will say I was just at the right place at the right time and maybe that's true but I can't shake the feeling that it was God's time and God's plan for me to be there to help this girl. And if that's the case, then whatever I went through today was totally worth it because I was there to help one of His creatures and that's all we can ever hope to do in this world. Help one another.

Mrs. V

PS - Though I was dejected that I would be wearing my rain boots all day, I got quite a few compliments. :)

Men and their Televisions

Men are so funny! I love my husband and the things I’ve learned about him in the four years we’ve been together (2 and a half as man and wife living in the same house) and I really enjoy sharing with you. I hope you find this as humorous as I did. 

My husband thinks that the TV (and anything attached to it) is his exclusively and that it’s only by his good grace that I get to use it. He’s never actually stated this but I’ve been noticing it all the more this holiday break. 

He plays his video games and watches things like “Top Shot,” and while I don’t really enjoy these activities they give him time in his “nothing box,” which I’ve heard guys need. All of this is fine with me as long as when I say “can we please watch something that we BOTH enjoy?” he is willing to change things up. 

We enjoy a good number of television programs together. We’ve got our schedule of shows to watch and I don’t usually veer too far off of our traditional path but earlier today, I stumbled upon a shocking revelation that actually made perfect sense.

I was wrapping a present (as I’m apt to do at Christmastime) and all of a sudden, Mr. V’s voice pierced my inner monologue.

“What are you doing saving all this stuff?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked?

“Love Actually, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, what is this stuff?”

“Stuff I want to watch later. I wanted to save A Christmas Carol, too, but it interfered with Gold Rush so I cancelled it.”

“YOU CANCELLED 'GOLD RUSH'?!?” he loudly exclaimed.

“No, I decided to cancel A Christmas Carol. I saved Gold Rush for you.”

“Oh, good! I was going to be upset!”

“Um, I’m going to need you to remember that the DVR is OURS and that I can save stuff, too.”

At this point, he relaxed and smiled. “You’re right,” he said. 

Phew! 

I tell you this with a sheepish grin on my face because as I went throughout my day, I realized that I’m pretty much the same way with the kitchen but that’s another blog for another day. I hope you’re enjoying some down time with your family. I’m loving mine!

Merry Christmas!

Mrs. V

Happy Holidays - Curiousity is a gift best left on the store shelf

Dear friends and readers,

Christmas is upon us and in just a few short hours or days, we will be surrounded by loved ones whom we haven't seen since last week, month, or year. For those of us who are married, it is already a fantastic juggling act with hoops set ablaze that we must jump through as we navigate the delicate waters of spending time with our families (all of them) and our friends without excluding or alienating any of them. It's as exhausting as it is joyous (and for some, all the more).

But it's also a time of trepidation for those of us who are childless. Friends, I cannot tell you how many people, on a nearly daily basis, ask me when Mr. V and I are planning on having children. For most people, "not yet" is sufficient. For my students, it is often a jumping off point for more commentary on how they'd like to see me with a baby bump before they graduate or how they'd like me to wait another year so that they aren't in my class anymore because pregnant women are moody (ironic that hormonal teenagers complain about moodiness, isn't it?) and they're absent for doctor's appointments and that means substitutes. They really don't like substitutes.

At Thanksgiving, I was asked by no fewer than 5 different people (relatives and friends) if we're planning for any additions. This is after I had two dear friends confess their heartache - they'd both suffered miscarriages earlier this year. Talk about a tear jerker! It was so hard to hear them tell their tales because my heart aches for them and for the friend who is childless, not by choice, but because she and her husband are struggling to conceive.

It also brought up some words from early Autumn which stung me as they were uttered one by one. A girl, a total stranger, asked me (in front of my mother-in-law, no less) if we were planning on Baby V anytime soon. When I said, "no, we're not," she asked me "Oh, are you still young?"  I laughed off her rude question but I felt those words all the more as I approached my birthday this year and every time I got on the scale since then. See, I'm underweight and that, in addition to each passing year, makes it more difficult to conceive.

I KNOW that my friends who are having trouble conceiving or have had trouble carrying to term don't need the question either. Our reproductive health is the business of  the woman and her husband. I don't really care how many of you want to babysit, to pinch little cheeks, to have grandchildren.  If you're not married to the woman in question, then it simply isn't any of your business. You are hurting more than you're helping, even though you may have had no intention of causing harm.

Please consider sparing a woman of this particular pain this Christmas. Let her enjoy the moments she has away from wondering if she'll ever have a baby of her own. For a woman who wants kids, the sight of children opening toys on Christmas day is enough of a reminder of her ticking biological clock.

Thank you for understanding!

Mrs. V

30 Days of Thanks 2011 - Days 21-30

I know it looks like I abandoned my 30 Days of Thanks but I assure you that is not the case. Because we were traveling to Louisiana for Thanksgiving and a Wedding, I didn't have the opportunity to get onto my blog and post. I decided that finishing up on Facebook was the way to go. If I have time, I will post the last 10 days below. If not, know that I was thankful throughout, always found a reason to smile even in the midst of frustrations, and that I've continued on with a different sort of daily post because I decided that the positivity couldn't end at the close of November. I'm leaving 2011 better than I found it and hoping to inspire others to be a blessing to those around them, known or unknown.

Mrs. V

30 Days of Thanks 2011 - Day 20

I am so thankful for church potlucks, church family, and a short work week ahead!

Today's food was delicious and I have some pumpkin cheesecake in the fridge that I'm dying to try - after dinner tonight!

I am thankful for friends who are coming into town this week, friends who are mine because of my husband. I can't wait to catch up and relax!

Mrs. V